As I wandered down this Garden Path of Tai Chi I passed by landmarks of personal truth. I don’t know if these are general truths but they are real to me and an important part of the journey that I have made so far. As I have traveled deeper I have moved from one place to another; from one certainty to the next (mutually exclusive) certainty, I have moved
from indifference to interest
from gross movement to fine movement
from solitary to individual
from isolated to integrated
from confined to expressive
from preconceived to exploratory
from random to purposeful
from voluntary to involuntary
from intended to accidental
When I moved from Indifference to Interest that was a surprise to me, I mean I thought that I was engaged and observant. When the world opened up in Tai Chi everything was new and had to be looked at and observed in a way that was almost Psychedelic for those who understand that shorthand.
I moved from Gross movement to Fine movement when I entered in Sub-Space, the smaller, finer more internal movements were more interesting to me. This feeling of Fluidic-Space or Churning the Ether goes away when you make those big movements, you have to get very still and quiet inside.
When I first felt myself moving from Solitary to Individual it was in a group doing Tai Chi. I had to let go of my Ego Self and submit to the Group Mind. I retained my singularity as a node in the neural net and felt the interplay between my individuality and my environment. I had to let go of my Solitude first.
As I changed from Isolated to Integrated it was first in the context of my environment as I mentioned in the previous point and then within my self. I had worked for years at isolations; working an area completely separately from the surrounding areas. As I knit all the individuated centers together I discovered Integration of structure and movement.
These movements inside the body grew from Confined to Expressive. At first it was lightning in a bottle but as it grew a magical thing happened; I learned to project this energy. With a push, a touch or a Gesture I became the conductor of this unfinished symphony, this Music of the Spheres. As a performance art Tai Chi can be so expressive.
Like a good conductor I followed the program. But Energy has a voice of it’s own and I was moved from Preconceived to Exploratory. Sometimes while doing Slow Set I would come to a place and take a hidden path I hadn’t noticed before. I would consciously go off-road and when I was done I would consciously return and continue through the set to the end. This isn’t the same as spacing out or getting lost!! You know who you are!
I did lose my way and wander off sometimes. The shift from Random to Purposeful was to not entertain every single notion that came through my head but to allow certain dynamics to evolve and others to dissipate. It is this feeling of direction or progress that creates a very satisfying feeling of Purpose.
As I played with the psychic valves that change this process from Voluntary to Involuntary I felt the surrender to the inexorable current of the Dao. Was I giving up Free Will? What was this Surrender? Is this the thing that the Mystics talk about? I could feel this even in 2 person practice now and it feels like following not like leading.
Now in Push Hands all of the best moves changed from Intended to Accidental. When people pushed at me sometimes accidents happened to that person. Oops, they tripped, slipped, went the wrong way, got confused for a second or just plain fell down on their own for no reason at all. Oops, let me help you up, ouch, ooh, oh that looks like it hurt!! Hmmm, sorry about that.
I had planned a very orderly and structured curriculum for myself. I had set out with a clear road map to Mastery. I was in the drivers seat. Well, something happened and I wound up in the passenger seat with the road map long discarded and in unfamiliar territory. I had become the Accidental Tourist.
Jeeze Louise! This piece is elegant. I do mean elegant, almost hypnotic in its rhythms back and forth, in breath out breath, perfect dance of the poles into oneness. Love it! Now, I have not even glimpsed some of the mechanisms by which you discovered these truths, but somehow I understand and could identify with what you were conveying almost 100%, so I guess in some life time I learned about these feelings.
ReplyDeleteThe area that I struggle with so much is discernment of unconscious need to control and intention, and how that relates to the concept of surrender. These days all we hear about is how one draws his/her own reality by intention and that we should be "programming" what we want etc. etc. Well, I'm here to say that mostly I know what I don't want, hard to say what I want except in very generic terms, not dressed up in any particulars, but rather the "wants" are a quality. Surrender seems to relate to trusting the goodness and wholesomeness of creation whether we can perceive it or not. However, I'm not throwing out intention, or maybe its what we observe and decide to cast a spot light on via attention. Also, maybe the surrender is a sequence in the formula for manifesting when the so called enlightened ones talk about charging a desire with emotion and then letting it go.....
Sometimes one has built in control related defense mechanisms based on very valid experiences that no longer apply. It seems like our human based intention can sometimes be unknowingly chosen because of this need for control from old wounding. I suppose choices on where to put one's attention is likewise limited by our unique shaping of what we allow ourself to see, as in denial. I don't think this whole issue of conscious manifesting is a breeze like some New Agers would have one think.
I don't know why this piece seemed so much softer to me than your usual, maybe it was the flexibility, the movement back and forth.....the openness to not knowing, except temporarily.......the comfort with the fertile dynamic pause of "Now What?" Love it!
Some of the most profound discoveries are made when exploration leads to openess, softness and an expanding flexibility of attention; including what needs to be included.
ReplyDeleteInteresting observation, Tai.
ReplyDeletelol........reminds me a lot of when I'm down and I say, " I hate happy people"! Don't worry, Tai, I'm sure you are adorable in your own way..........hmmmm, "Jeeze Louise" ??? Now who have I heard say that before! :-)
ReplyDeleteWow, what an oddly inappropriate comment. I thought we were cooing like schoolgirls over the energy of what can happen when you study Tai Chi and how that can be an important and a serious thing rather than any individual or achievement. It seems to me also that there is a gently chiding undertone to the comments rather than adulation as I emphasize the lower octave experiences and am reminded of loftier things that I clearly have not gotten to yet.
ReplyDelete